Silly Spinster

Old Maid In-Training

I am 32 years-old, unmarried and unattached. Gasp! (I’ll give you a second to marinate and review the photo.)

Ok. Tragic as it is, after years of practice it does not usually cause me concern. When I was 25 and unattached it was ok because I was “still young” but now – not so much.

Sidebar: Sharing a) I am 32 and b) I am single just made me feel a bit queasy. A concrete statement salted with an admission of guilt. It’s no secret though so what the hell, right? Right!?

Finding a companion who is right for me and there to help me with the groceries, share the rent and to love tirelessly is definitely romantic, but after 14 years in San Francisco I’ll admit I’m as jaded as the jewelry stores in Chinatown. There are people, but none that I like that much or enough to explain their circumstances.

I’m definitely sarcastic when I see exact opposites making out in public or overhear high-maintenance women stomp their feet and nag their man because she didn’t get the Louis Vuitton bag she wanted, but what else am I supposed to do? I’m through with lamenting and comparing myself. I buy my own bag. This Peanut Butter gots No Jelly at the moment and is ok with it, so there.

However, my family, friends and even new acquaintances with very little invested in me want me to ‘be  happy’ and to not continue a “life of loneliness.” (Thanks, Mom.) I guess I never really stopped to think about all of that.

New acquaintances are always the best in breaching the subject, hence this post.

It usually goes a little something like this and stems from some story about their smart/sexy/witty counterpart:

“What about YOU? Is there anyone special in YOUR life?”

See Also: “Do YOU live with YOUR boyfriend/husband”, “Who brings YOU flowers?”, “YOU seeing anyone?” and the delicate “Are YOU dating?”

 “Nope.” But thanks for the reminder!

“Really?” I am lying to you about my personal life.

“Yep. That’s the truth.” Who are you again?

“Why not?” Maybe my secret life as a dominatrix call-girl has something to do with it?

“I don’t know.” Sigh.

“But you seem like such a nice person.” You are right.

I shrug and roll my eyes and then brace myself.

“That’s too bad.” Wah-Wah.

As soon as those words come out of their mouth I imagine a typewriter in their mind clacking out a message in dark black ink on a scrap of bright-white paper:

“SOMETHING must be wrong with her. I wonder what it is.”

It’s quickly followed by a smile or smirk, head-tilt to size me up, sharing a personal account that being married/engaged/with someone forever/finding new love/honeymooning is not all it’s cracked up to be and wraps with:

 “You don’t need them anyway .” Right.

 Or the infamous

 “Sometimes I wish I was still single.” Keyword: SOMETIMES.  I just listened to you gush and coo about your partner for an hour- You are so lying.

“Yeah. It’s ok. Somebody has to be.” Good job stopping the heartache train before Martyr-ville.

“Grass is always Greener I guess!” I hate that cliché and we’re not going to be friends.

Typically this is when I excuse myself from this downward spiral and head to the sanctity of the restroom where I can sigh deeply and reapply lip gloss. I do love the lip gloss.

By the time my lips are smacked together all is forgotten, but I know that when I rejoin the group I’m freshly minted as the Single Girl, Poor Thing, Third Wheel or Old Maid in-training. It would really be much easier to come out with toilet paper stuffed into the back of my pants, but that is me. Another experience added to the layers of life’s lasagna.

“Silly Spinster, Couples are Fun!” Sigh.